All-nighter
Man is not a creature of circumstance, I’ve heard, but instead circumstances are the creation of man. While I am not sure what to think of it, the idea that I might be able to control the circumstances of my life makes me feel a little better when I have days like this. I’m neither sad nor happy, just concerned – perhaps freaked out. I feel out of control again. This happens every once in a while and then something changes or, my personal favorite, I go to sleep. Tonight, the sleep is not coming. My mind is working more overtime than I have been, kicking my ass with demands for action. I feel like I’m at work again.
No matter how hard I work, I feel my finances will never be what they could be. Every week it is something. A serpentine belt, a lunch with Ryan, something. I can’t seem to just save any money because of the expenses associated with being a responsible adult, a boyfriend, an employee, or a friend. Being the boyfriend is perhaps the second most expensive role I’ve ever held. People told me this and I ignored it until I compared the budget surplus of the Josh break-up to the budget deficit of the Ryan relationship. I’m perpetually broke and it makes me feel like shit. I hate looking at Ryan when he wants to do something and saying “I can’t afford to…” It’s defeating in ways that I can’t even begin to describe.
I question my own judgment most of the time. This is something that came up as I was washing dishes tonight. I do most of my best thinking when I am cleaning, bathing, or otherwise indisposed. The reason I question my own judgment is because I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong decision and end up missing out on something great for my life. In the end, I stick with what I know and still miss out on some of the greater things in life because I’m afraid of that change. Why do you think it took me so long to break up with Josh? or go back to school? Because I had always heard that the grass was greener on the other side but I feared that it was in fact some really green weeds (and not the good weed either.) Where do I go from here? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for the past couple of days. How do I know when I am pointed in the right direction?
I guess this all goes back to something I read a while back. The only way to make it in this world and truly be successful is to make a decision and commit to it – heading towards the goal but being flexible about the means. I just wish I knew what to decide. LOL.
First decision: Go to bed.
AW
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