Setting it Straight
Tonight has been rough. I went to bed at 10pm, woke up at 2:30 in a pool of my own sweat. My A/C is out and maintenance isn’t available until tomorrow. The BF has been incommunicado for the past 24+ hours. Overall, it wasn’t cutting it. It wasn’t until about 3:30, when I got on the phone with my friend Chris, that something in my head changed a bit and it felt a bit more controllable.
We talked about a lot of stuff, most of which I won’t share here because I’ve either covered it before or it is information that is not mine to share, but it got really good when we talked about how we had changed over the years. I thought about that but he was the one that really pointed out the good stuff. When my mom passed away, when I was 12, chaos ensued for years. When Bryan and I broke up, when I was 18, chaos ensued for months. When Mike and I broke up, when I was 20, chaos ensued for weeks. By the time Chris met me, things would upset me and chaos would ensue for days. These days, when something upsets me, chaos ensues for a few hours and then rational thought returns to save the day. I didn’t realize I had changed all that much until that conversation. I knew I was different but that’s kinda huge. The reason the conversation ever happened was because I had mentioned a break-up and how my preferred way of dealing with it these days was a dinner discussion. A few years ago, it was much different. It was usually some form of “back the fuck up” followed by radio silence. *shrug* Thank God for personal growth.
I fired off an e-mail to Ryan tonight. I’m feeling the urge to do something after work so I figured, in light of everything that’s been running through my head the past few weeks, that I would see if he would go out to dinner with me and talk. Please, for the love of God, read between the lines here. We all know what this means now. I’ve lost all patience waiting for him to bring the traits necessary for a quality relationship to the table. There is no real intimacy, except for the occasional bone thrown my way to keep me happy. In the end, I’m not happy and that has to change.
I don’t want to break up with him. I think he’s got a good heart and, well, he is rather hot. LOL. But I’m tired of trying to pry the qualities I need to see out of him. These should come naturally and the fact that they are not is making this way too hard. I expend way too much energy trying to sort through this relationship, make sense of him, or otherwise support this mess. I’m tired and I don’t have the spare energy. Besides, I’m a serial monogamist and that mess has to stop.
Since… well.. Mike, at least, I’ve gone straight from one relationship to the next without a pause for air. From Mike to Tyler, Tyler to Chris, Chris to Josh, and Josh to Ryan. There were gaps along the way but even those were filled with dates and *sigh* booty calls. I need the time to think and heal. In the absence of a real quality relationship, singledom may be the only place that I’ll find that time to think.
*yawn* I’m gonna go nap. Just thought I’d get that out there before my muse went away.
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