Driven
Greatness is not standing above our fellows and ordering them around it is standing with them and helping them to be all they can be.
- G. Arthur Keough
Prayer keeps resulting in the same mental message: Faith. It’s actually two thoughts wrapped up in one message. The first thought is that I need to have faith in people, specifically myself, but just as importantly in my significant other. I trust him in matters that most do not trust their significant others after a nasty break-up. I trust him to be faithful to me. I am 99% certain that he’s not the cheating kind. I know he cares about me, regardless of what the Tarot cards said (inside thought.) I don’t trust him to make the effort he needs to keep me, however. My conversations with friends all seem to be about the same subject – intimacy. I talk to my two favorite ex-boyfriends, my ex-girlfriend, and my best friends more than I talk to him. When we do talk, it has little to do with anything of substance – usually just pot, comics, or how we’re bored. Meanwhile, I’ve made a new friend at work with whom I talk about more than Ryan and I have ever covered. That strikes me as odd. At the same time, perhaps he is making all the forward progress he can. Perhaps he’s just as hurt as I am and has trouble getting close just like I do. Where I am afraid that he’s going to leave – he may be afraid that I’m not going to stay. Do you get the difference?
The second thought behind that prayer is that I am not being faithful with what I have been given so, perhaps, God is not going to make me responsible for more. This means that I’m actually going to have to do the work, work the hours, keep my house clean, etc. It means that I have to take care of what I have and master having it before God will bless me with anything more. I need to be driven. Speaking of driven, my supervisor called me out today. She said that she knows that I am capable of so much more than I am right now, as far as taking a leadership role and whatnot, but fears that my emotions are holding me back. She sees how angry I get when I am interrupted mid-thought, how stressed I get when there are tons of things going on, and how distracted I get when something off-the-clock hurts me. She’s seen me leave work early under the pretenses of being “ill” only to go home and drink because my heart is hurting. She’s watched me break down in tears on the call center floor because some customer hit some switch in me that made me relive some other more painful moment. I can do better – I know I can – but I keep getting thrown off course by my heart. I let everything hurt me. I worry about EVERYTHING. I worry about worrying about hurting. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m scared.
My fears
- I’m afraid of being abandoned – left alone without warning.
- I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again – so I don’t get attached or at least I try my damnedest not to get attached.
- I’m afraid of failing – proving to myself that I am just as bad as I think I am.
- I’m afraid of being trapped – either in a job, in a city, or in a jail. I think this stems from a day or two I spent in jail that left me rather scared of returning.
- I’m afraid of being considered “sub-par” – also confirming what I already believe about myself.
The one thing I’m not afraid of – I’m not scared of telling the truth about myself. God knows it and I know it – those are the only two beings that matter so what will anyone else do? Say something? Like they haven’t feared something themselves, like they haven’t fallen short of their own expectations. This doesn’t mean that I’m open with all my insecurities, some show themselves as seemingly unrelated emotions – like fear of being abandoned showing as an angry “break-up.” It’s odd. If I think you might leave for some reason, I’ll usually go ahead and usher you out the door. I’ll say “I don’t have the time for this emotional fuckwittage” and then you wonder why? Well… it’s probably because you didn’t learn anything from what I told you.
I’ve told you that my last relationship left me a mess, that I wasn’t ready for dating – you dropped the boyfriend title on me as quick as you thought you could seal the deal. I let you keep that word. Then you dropped the L word on my head and I said “oh, what the hell” and I let you keep that word too. You used to send me the sweetest text messages each morning and again before I went to bed, now you rarely even respond to my messages. You show me the most basic forms of love on the weekends but can’t seem to extend yourself beyond that. I ask you to quit drinking and smoking so much and you wake-and-bake the next day. I am trying to justify these actions too, that’s what makes me sick. I’m sitting there, telling myself that perhaps you are doing the best you can when … well.. your best is just not enough. I’m moments from gone just because you don’t seem near as interested in keeping me as you used to.
Sorry.. folks.. that was a moment. LOL. I guess I needed to get that out somewhere. I just wish I could say that to him. Alas, it is election day which means he is uber busy and I wouldn’t want to drop that on him in the midst of his wondering if he will have a job in the next few weeks. I wish I could talk to him that clearly period. I just seem to lack the balls to do it. I need to man up immediately.
Why can’t I talk to him like that? I don’t have any hesitation about saying what I need to say to anyone else – why is he so different? Ugh. Ok, I’m sorry y’all. I’m done for tonight.
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