Exodus
It has been said that hindsight is 20/20. I would venture to say that it is probably much better than that. While we see the past much clearer than we did when it was the present, we also see things that can only be seen with the knowledge gained in the future. Keeping that in mind, I’ve been doing a lot of retrospection lately – focusing on the good things that the past provided. One person specifically comes to mind over and over again – Josh.
It’s not that I miss him – I very honestly do not – instead I am missing some of the endearing qualities that he brought to the table. My “board of peer-reviewers” should be familiar with this line of thought by now. For as much abuse as was present in that relationship and for as much pain as it caused both Josh and me, we sure had fun. I distinctly remember being intoxicated – having smoked myself retarded – and running through the house or perhaps crawling is a better word .. nevertheless I remember crawling through the house with a bandana around my head yelling “cheeto bandito.” It sounds stupid as hell right now, I admit, but it is hilarious. Times like those are the ones I miss the most. Wrestling on the bed or, my personal favorite, the tickle fights are also some times I miss very much. This creates a small problem.
I keep looking at my current relationship and I can’t help but want to have most of those endearing qualities again. It’d bring me great joy for Ryan and I to wrestle around on the bed, tickling the shit out of each other. The underlying thought processes, however, trouble me because they are leading to an overall comparison of one good guy to someone he will never be. I find myself questioning the purpose of this line of thought. Am I attempting to find something wrong with Ryan so I can bail on him? Could my fear really be controlling me that deeply? Or is it that I’m simply not having enough fun with this? What does that mean? Is it a valid reason to bail? Would I want to given this opportunity?
I’ve always heard that you are supposed to date the person you want to date and not expect for someone who doesn’t meet the standards to meet them at a later date. If he’s not cutting it now, he’s not going to cut it at all. The chances of him changing are slim and the odds aren’t worth betting on.
What do I do with that? Am I happy with Ryan right now? Yes – to an extent – however something is definitely missing and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to look to Ryan for it. Ryan is good to me. Aside from a couple of alcohol-induced outbursts, this boy has never been mean to me. He has stood beside me during some of the scariest times I’ve had. I know he has a good heart, I’ve seen it before.
What burns me, I think, is that he is the typical man. Reserved and strong, never sharing an emotion that is not necessary to show. I want to know more. I feel like there is this stranger who shares a bed with me. I have no clue what makes him laugh or what would make him cry. I have no clue about a lot of things. All I know is that he definitely cares – to what extent.. well.. beats me. I guess I am a woman in that sense. If he doesn’t tell me he loves me and show it in actions every now and then, I assume that by his silence it means that he is losing interest. Then, out of nowhere, he’ll do something sweer and that will be sufficient for a couple of days and then back to square one.
God knows I’m still healing and that this may just be a product of my heart trying to put itself back together again. For as easy as the Josh thing looked, it wasn’t near as “pain-free.” Walking out of that room and saying nothing but “ok” was, perhaps, one of the hardest things my heart has ever had to bear. The fact that I actually gave up fighting for him, willingly, burned me to no end. When is enough, enough? When do two people who love each other so much but can’t seem to get their act together finally just stop trying? My answer used to be “never” but apparently, in the more recent past, it became “February.”
Damn it. Here it is May and I’ve got a good man by my side and yet I still think about this boy. For what reason do I continue this emotional terrorism in his absence? I think, for lack of more eloquent words, I just want to be happy. I want to smile and laugh and act retarded when time allows. I want to giggle, dance, and wrestle around like I’m 24 going on 12. I just want to find that peace that I used to have in brief doses when Josh and I would get stoned. I miss falling asleep knowing that everything was alright. That certainty was rather helpful to my heart.
Nothing feels certain now. It’s as if life has become this surreal experience, as if someone else is running the show and I’m just spectating. It’s auto-pilot for the heart. I’m going with the flow – doing everything that I’m supposed to – but I’m not feeling as much of it as I should. I love Ryan, don’t get me mistaken, I’m just not sure that I’m happy with him right now. Then again, this could all be a product of my trying to heal – or it could be the most blatant emotional sabotage I’ve ever committed upon myself.
I keep praying at night, mainly for Josh and for guidance on how to deal with the day-to-day, but also that God might help me answer a few questions. Is this what I am supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be trying to love again so soon? Am I supposed to be second guessing this boy? Ultimately, I know that I just need to stop thinking and make a call. Either I need to just let all this mess go and let myself be happy with Ryan or I need to go find happiness without him. I don’t want to leave him, I just want to know if I’m supposed to be here in the first place.
Where in the hell is my happy place? When do I get to stop worrying and start just living and having a good time with it? I guess those questions will come after the exodus.
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