Realization

It’s a cruel, evil game we play with men, especially in the United States. We tell them to be brave, to be strong, to show no fear and then we get angry with them because they show few emotions and have trouble sorting through any emotion for which they were not prepared. I believe that, in the U.S., we socialize men to have three predominate emotions: anger, happiness, and a general somber mood. All other emotions, in my experience with men, seem to be routed through those three main outlets such that a man who is scared shows anger, a man who is depressed shows anger. A man who is disappointed will probably show a somber mood, a man who is extremely excited or in love will probably just show a general happy mood. Such was the realization I made the other night while attempting to have a conversation with the boyfriend that I had been dreading.

As previous blog entries have stated, I was far from pleased with the way he talked to me the weekend before last. I felt that he turned a simple argument into a character assassination. The other night, I figured out what really happened. While we were watching Scrubs Monday night, I looked at him and told him that I wanted to talk to him after the show. He asked me what I wanted to talk about and I replied that it was simply “some stuff that had been on my mind.” He made this grunt-like sound, like he was angry that I had a thought. The feminine side of me immediately responded with “what is that supposed to mean?” to which he replied that it was just him “being the man.”

That comment sent fire coursing through my veins for about 10 seconds until I realized that, contrary to everything I had wanted to believe about our relationship, he was right. I’m the wife in the streets and the husband in the sheets. I’m the feminine side of this relationship. Afterwards, I spent several minutes thinking about the situation. It was like something clicked in my head and a conversation that would have taken hours with anyone else was reduced to 15 – 20 seconds. “Oh, and just for the record,” I started, “if you ever talk to me like you did last weekend – turning an argument into a character attack – I will firmly put my foot in your ass.” He responded with “likewise.” That was it. I couldn’t believe how easy it was.

I spent the next day reading through material on the internet on the socialization of men, specifically with regards to men in relationships. The reading was funny in that it suggested that men should be regarded as children, that is to say that the should be instructed gently on how to act and that they should be given the utmost attention when they are talking about their hearts. Apparently, if you listen without controlling the conversation, men will eventually loosen up and talk more. Likewise, their communication is more in their actions than in their words. It’s a bigger deal when a man puts his hand on yours than if a woman does it because it means that the man not only has some affectionate feelings for you but that he is willing to express them which is an infinitely more vulnerable status for him than it is for those of us who have been socialized as feminine.

This line of research slowly morphed into a general quest for knowledge on how to relate to him within the boundaries of my own baggage or, even better, how to sort through my own baggage. I ended up with several megabytes of Anthony Robbins audio. I have always adored Anthony Robbins because of the way he is cuts to the chase but, at the same time, does his damnedest to make sure you laugh at the negative and embrace the positive.   The man is a genius and definitely a wonderful motivational speaker. So I’ve been listening to him at great length lately while intermittently studying for finals week.

This is what I’ve come to realize as a result of all this thinking:

• Ryan is far from a representation of any of my previous boyfriends. In fact, he is probably the first man that I’ve dated that has been socialized as such. When you are the more masculine gay guy seeking a partner, you usually end up with someone who has been more-or-less socialized as a female. Nevertheless, Ryan doesn’t deserve to pay for the sins of the “girls” that came before him. He’s a good man, operative word in that sentence being “man.”
• I’m worth much more than my most of my ex-boyfriends would ever admit. I’m worth much more than my friends would ever tell me to my face. In other words, I kick ass.

~ by envinoveritas on April 25, 2007.